Toddler, Tiaras and Fig Leaves
I sat in my self-righteous disgust and horror watching the show Toddlers and Tiaras. I kept asking myself how these parents could use their children in such a horrible way. It was obvious that these moms and dads needed to have their children win the pageant to somehow boost their own worth. Everything they were was completely wrapped up in the way their children looked and performed. They were Adam and Eve in the garden using fig leaves to cover their own nakedness and shame. Only their fig leaves were their poor children. The approval they were looking for would need to come from the work another, but not from the works of their children.
And then in struck me, so often this is my own heart too. Of course, I don't dress my little girl up in a $3,000 gown and adorn her with fake eye lashes, veneers and high heels. But I do push her to act a certain way in front of others so that I look like the good mom. I want others to think that we have our act together. My identity is also wrapped up in the performance of my children. On the days that they are sweet and obedient and lovely to be around, I do the pageant walk. Head held high, with a bit of a swagger. On the days where they are unkind, disobedient, and all together unlovely, I am angry and depressed.
I have some how decided that my identity the truth about who I am, is tied to my children's performance and their love for me. I have decided that this is the fig leaf I will use to take away my shame and my nakedness. My child's love and obedience is what I have often used as my own good works to make me acceptable before God. I have stopped loving them and started using them. The ugliness of sin is astounding. Of course, when I am using them to fulfil my own desire to think well of myself, the pressure for them to perform mounts. I am angry and demanding when they fail. There is no room for grace or patience or kindness. They must win the adoration from others that I need to approve of myself. They must give me love and respect; after all I am most certainly worth it.
On the days that it feels like I am a terrible mom or a spectacular mom, I must remind myself that my identity is not tied up in my mothering. The truth is I am a terrible mom; this is why I need a Savior. My heavenly Father has made the sacrifice to cover my nakedness and shame. Just as he was faithful to strip Adam and Eve of their silly fig leaves, sacrifice the life of another to clothe them with real clothing; He is faithful to strip me of false identity and cloth me in the righteousness of Jesus. When I am resting in his work, I am free to love my kids the way I've been loved. He does not love me based on my performance, but rather, based on the performance of my Savoir. Because of that truth, I can love my children freely and joyfully. I can rejoice in the full, steadfast love of my Heavenly Father and share that happiness with all those around me.
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Tags: gospel centered parenting home schooling identity
I think we all, in our flesh, try to find our self worth in all types of tangible or humanistic-approved things. My children are good, I wear a size 4, I drive a BMW, my house is big, so I must be good, right??? Just like a Pharisee. (I am descended from Abraham!) So thankful to you for paving the road with your beautiful confession that many Moms who seek to please God can relate to. Beautiful post!
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God knocked me silly with this kind of thing a few years ago. I had made parenting an idol and my kids my little idol statues.
Sadly, I fell back into it a few years ago.
Having a people pleasing problem coupled with becoming friends with a serious legalist, I made myself and my kiddos (mostly the older three) miserable as I struggled to live the "perfect Christian mom whose kids look and behave perfectly" life.
God knocked me silly again over a year ago.
Truly, I am struggling to find a landing spot.
I found your book and started reading it. Serious conviction.
BUT I put it down when the chapter about sending them to a sleep over, or to school or whatever started. I still very much see children not as lights YET. They are being cultivated to be lights.
Also, the dialogs you share are simply not realistic, in my opinion. I can not spend 5 minutes on every incident that warrants discipline. Even if I didn't have six kids, that would be unrealistic.
BUT I'm going to pick up your book again and find what God wants me to find there.
I know He wouldn't convict me if He also didn't want to teach me how to change.
Blessings!
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I thoroughly enjoyed Give Them Grace. Surely no one needed it more than I. However, there is a recurring theme that I'm not sure about: "When we sin, God doesn't see that, He only see Jesus' perfection." That's a paraphrase but I think it is an accurate one. Is there not a difference between justification (where Jesus blood is what God sees) and sanctification (doesn't God HAVE to see our sin in order to convict us of it, and the sowing/reaping principle is still at work, right?) And God loved us when we were still sinners so it isn't that He sees us a perfect (everyone's not received His grace) in Jesus and that's why He loves us. Could you give Scripture or a good book on the subject to help me with this?
Thanks.
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I'm sitting in my living room listen to my almost 2-year-old yell in her room after a night of throwing food on the floor, crying as I washed and brushed her hair, scratching and hitting (her, not me), etc. Each one of these actions being followed by my attempted gentle reproof and sometimes a spanking. Thank you for reminding me of grace in my parenting and for revealing in my heart that my frustration is truly with not being able to change her behavior when it should be wrapping my identity in Christ and allowing him to act through me.
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I just ordered your book and have enjoyed reading your blog. This post really hit home with me. I have watched Toddlers and Tiaras and had some of the same thoughts only to have God bring me face to face with my own self-righteous parenting efforts. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I feel like you have been spying on me and writing down your observations. Haha! I will keep on reading and am excited to see how God will use this resource as another reminder to put my focus back on Him.
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